SLE Sports

Part of the allure of Second Life is the opportunity to assume an alter ego.

In real life, many problems would occur if I tried to become, say, a stripper. IRL, I'm too short, too old, kind of pudgy around the hips, have the natural soul of a tone-deaf mongoloid, would need a babysitter who could work til 4 AM, and would have to come up with an I Have Seen The Mountaintop-level speech to convince my husband of my (and perhaps our collective family) need to have strange, drunken men shove dollar bills at me. I could probably work around that, but the Cons would eventually outweigh the Pros. That's why I'm a soccer mom IRL.

Fortunately, I can log on to Second Life and climb up a nine foot strip-club pole using nothing but my upper thighs... and things will pretty much work themselves out. If they don't, I can teleport to Korea, pretty much lickety-split. If this fails, I can log off. That- and countless similar or most likely more innocent scenarios- is why Second Life currently has like 7 million users.

Those people need a Sportswriter, and that's what I'm doing here in your paper this morning. Many people log onto SL to do things other than Stripping, and my job will be to introduce you to some of these activities. I'm one of those Type A girls, and I've been running all over SL seeking out the virtual sports scene. Over the next few issues, I'll do my best to give you some insight into the SL Sports Oooniverse.

Much like I can pander to my inner exhibitionist by stripping on SL (I don't, but the option exists), other people can get in touch with their inner Jordan or Manning by hunting around a bit for the proper group. For instance... I can't skate a lick IRL (very embarrassing for a Massachusetts resident).... yet, I was ruling the virtual ice like a polar bear almost as quickly as someone could tell me to "hit CTRL R."

Granted, there are some rationalizing Gymnastics involved when you pursue your dreams of athletic greatness by rolling up a joint and logging onto ol' SL with a bag of Cheetos and a 40 oz. St. Ides malt liqour by your non-mouse hand. That's between You and Your Avatar. I just bring the pain once a week in this column.

Once I got over those gymnastics by using Kayfabe (more on that later, and the concept is pivotal to this column), I was able to start my exploration... spanning the web, to bring you the cyber drama of virtual competition. Joining the maximum 25 groups within 6 hours of accepting the position here at the SL Enquirer, I am now poised to bring you (over the next few issues) great insight into the worlds of cyber football, cheerleading, wrestling, Spartan warfare, street basketball, and hockey. Trust me.. I'm just working the tip of the iceberg.

Many surprises here... for instance, the girl teaching me to wrestle is actually rather nice, while the cheerleader coach may actually have Nazi ancestors. My competency level varies from "got a goal in hockey" to "was left unconscious in a wrestling ring." Hockey and basketball use a mouselook system, while wrestling and cheerleading use a drop-down-menu system.

I'm currently training under 5 different people in 4 different hobbies. In every sport I've visited, I had no problem at all in getting competent, polite people to help me along. Some sports, like cheerleading, have a rather complex and well-organized training system. Others, like basketball, involved people near the court shouting instructions at me. Hockey is my favorite sport to play so far, wrestling is the sexiest, basketball is the most fun to hang around, and people are most impressed by my cheerleading.

Each sport has their own Arena, some (a street basketball court) being quite simple, with others (football, hockey, wrestling) having giant, meticulously designed arenas that can seat thousands in some cases. All are labors of love by an SL member with a high degree of skill... but you can just walk right in and start playing in most cases. The work has been done for you.

Cheerleading was the only sport I visited that you could be rejected from, and rejection in this case actually means that you are unable to click several icons in succession... and, to be honest, you should probably be trying something more simple if you get overwhelmed by the requisite work of a cyber-cheerleader. I will most likely be cut from the squad, myself... although they may keep me around because I work for the paper and might prove useful in the future. The Mafia operates like that, and just look at how wealthy they are.

You can be injured. I've been rendered unconscious pretty much every time I've wrestled. Hockey players took great joy in checking me into the boards, and I fell down and lay there afterwards. I'm told that cheerleading is terribly dangerous, and that necks have been broken. I'd imagine that death plays a role in Sparta, although I spent most of my time there hiding from anyone with a sword... which, by my estimate, was everyone but me.

Regarding Kayfabe.... I think it is necessary to both explain and utilize this concept on SL. "Kayfabe" is a professional wrestling term that describes speaking about a staged event as if it were actually real. The best non-wrestling analogy is "how you speak about Santa Claus when your 6 year old is paying attention." Willing suspension of disbelief isn't enough, as you actually have to take part in the perpetuation of the farce. It's a head trip you get into... and once the trip is in motion, it's as fun as an X-Box that you can talk to (and which also talks back to you).

When writing about virtual sports, one needs to employ a certain degree of Kayfabe. Therefore, the IRL fat guy with the keyboard in his beer-soaked lap is going to be presented here as a f*cking God if he's able to score 75 points in an SL basketball game. It's the best mindset I can adopt for describing the exploits of an Avatar, and it's how I'm going to roll. This is how my world- OUR world- works. Deal (v.).

If what I tell you about a sport sounds fun, you'll be able to go over to the group and maybe try it out for yourself. Every single sport I've visited was eager for new members, and you would be welcomed if you decided to visit. Likewise, if something I write about sounds really, really lame to you... you'll know something to avoid in your travels around the S to the L. With the magnificent Lanai's help, I may even have links, photos and stuff.

Our first order of business will be my wrestling training. I've synchronized this to co-ordinate with the opening of a new section of the SIN Fight Club wrestling arena.

Here's their link:

 http://slurl.com/secondlife/Hiwalani%20Cove/80/210/22

SIN advertises with us, and SLE likes one hand to wash the other... so SLE will cover the opening of their new venture, and we'll give you insight into the life of a wrestler by sacrificing a 5'0", 100 pound reporter (me) to the maw of the Pain Demon. For instance.. I'm not the blonde in the picture above...

I'll be getting back to you in about seven concussions or so. You kind of lose count after the first dozen. I'm Stacey Cardalines, and this has been SLE SPORTS.

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